sometimes the truth hurts

But as females we are stubborn, we want to know, no matter circumstances.  We say tell us the truth. We over analyze well I won’t say we I’ll say I am an over-analyzer to the extreme, so I talked myself into making a call, should I or shouldn’t I. I was browsing thru a website & was reminded of my failed pre relationship, /friendship I didn’t know if he would answer.  This is the one I went out w/three times even called him honey, telling myself what was I thinking?  Should I just come out & say what’s the deal?  I practiced what  I would say?  I was determined to get it over with.  I think I toyed with the idea for about 10 minutes.  Work distracted me for a moment but then it was the time to do it, Fon rings, after like the 3rd ring he answers, if voice mail came on I wouldn’t leave a message, I already felt pathetic for calling.  Yes at my age 40 yrs old feeling like a teenager ugh! I did it I said a casual hi, I really wasn’t interested in small talk , so I waited a brief moment. I said well its on my mind I’m just going to ask? So what made you do it? Do what? I said what was it that I did, that made you not want to call me.  He said that I would make things bigger than they were, I heard him out. I didn’t interrupt, (surprisingly) he said when we would have a discussion I would take it out of sorts.  He thought to himself if she reacts like this about something small, how is she going to react about something major. [Biting my tongue.]  So I know I can be like that, if I have an opinion about something I will voice it.  I just said my part about, what I thought about our supposed plans, I said it would be better if he said hey I’m not going to see you, instead of just blowing me off.  He said I understand , but then he started to speak like we were still talking ( if you know what I mean) like he said the phrase I wouldn’t be talking & getting to know you all this time if I want to didn’t want to get to know you.  After our 1st date if I knew I didn’t like you I wouldn’t call. He also mentioned, I’m not married I don’t have a girlfriend.  He did sorta know me, cuz that’s what I thought when I didn’t hear from him [I was not even going to read into that comment] He likes me so much he completely ghosted me is what I wanted to say. ( I didn’t)  He also mentioned that I would label -me- calling him more then him calling me, etc.  I knew exactly what he meant.  I would say how come you didn’t call me or reply to the text earlier.  He put it like we have had so many discussions, he didn’t know I specifically wanted a reply to such and such.  I am glad I called & at the same time I’m mad at myself for going to that place of girly mode ugh I think I’m crying more about it now than when he dumped me/w no call, well as a matter of fact I am cause I didn’t cry on that day.  Talk about a delayed reaction. approx 3 weeks later.  Who does that? Yep me this insecure chic.  I do have confidence but after being rejected I go into this state, not depression but just an Idc about it mode. This is a total sux to be moment & I have to blame myself.  Enough of that.  I’m going to put on my big girl panties on & move on.

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