Time will tell, Time will heal: Are cliches really enough?

Probably not but when your the one going thru it, Not really sure what helps, I try and talk myself into a positive outlook cuz I’m 90% positive person. Going thru a break up even though it was your decision is tougher than when I was in my 20’s as much as I want to move on and act like it doesn’t bother me, Truth it it bothers me a lot however I know I can’t let it consume me. That is just not healthy. One thing I’m trying is to not boo hoo tears for a long period of time, althou I haven’t had a good cry yet, holding back has giving me some major head pounding headaches. Have you ever been so exasperated, you have to remind yourself to breathe slowly inhale exhale & actually mouth the word breathe. I’ve gone thru in my head why it’s better this way. I also have moved forward in my mind of how I would be better off not being so exhausted. Wondering is this guy ever going to call me. I don’t need to wonder if someone is going to call me I need to have someone in my life who wants to call me and not be so beat down over a simple phone call. I’ve said maybe I’m asking too much. But I have also seen that I do to much yet the return is not reciprocated. I lack attention, I seek attention. Even after going thru all this mess this person I fell in love with, is the only person I somehow look for a phone call or a text. Knowing that nothing could ever fix it. I blocked his # to go directly to voicemail. Sure I’ll never know if he ever called, but if I keep looking at my phone for a missed call, I think that would be that much more torturous. On the flip side I have friends I can talk about this while he says he has no one. Hmmmm yeah my selfish pissed off self would say to bad so sad. The phrase “Why wasn’t he there for me” came to mind, but what did I do? I said okay I’ll be here whenever you want to talk. He said thank you. Then after I heard him out on his aches. I listened, gave some pep talks all was said and done, then he ruined it ” He started to say this pathetic apology. “I’m sorry you don’t think I was there for you”, I stopped him I said really! he said what? I said that’s your apology that its how I feel, (rolling my eyes) really your that clueless I thought I said that’s exactly what it was. He said I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. At that point you would think I’d get my clear clue hello gf “Wake up!”. This is all your getting. So I cut it off he was saying how he was going to text. Hmmm yea like that wasn’t common. I said it’s too hard for me I don’t want to hear from you I don’t want a text either. Let’s just stop. Last conversation took place yesterday about 415p. Sure about 7pm I was thinking about him, waking up at 10:30 at night to switch positions yes I looked at my phone. Pathetic I tell myself, Stop! I just want to boo hoo but I know I need a good nights sleep, cause no matter what life throws at me, obstacles and all, I still have a family to provide for. That’s the good thing about yesterday during the day I was pretty much 80% good I was putting on the brave face. Doing my work duties, like normal whatever that is had a few somber moments, I’m trying to keep away from sad songs, lovey dovey songs, or anything that reminds me of him. If it was that easy I’d be my peppy self in an instant. Where is my emotions free button, Not sure if I’ll ever be at that point. Day by day I’ll do what is best for me and the kiddos. That’s another thing being a mom you have to put them 1st, I don’t want them to see me looking sad. I don’t want to dwell or talk about what was. They need to know that they are the most important thing to me. I love my children dearly and I know this will bother them since they liked him as well I can’t bring them around him again because the separation is going to be hard enough. I already can imagine how the questions will arise as to why? but their children I can’t have an adult conversation with children their just children, they need to live their own lives. My teen is aware but all he needs to know is that his goals are important to me they’ve got school on the brain. I’m exhausted beyond belief, I need rest and more rest but for now, I will hold back the tears when I can, stay away from stuff that reminds me of him. If that is even possible. I always seem to have good advice when it comes to others, I wish I knew where that good self advice was when I needed it? My comforter is the almighty Father, God is our saviour so I know this scripture minded woman will come thru. God only gives us what we can handle. God knows his stuff that’s for certain. I’m done for now, picking up the pieces as I go, in the mean time brave face on. Staying strong when I can

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s